In my observation, we as parents are wound way too tightly.
We worry how our small children act in the store, doctor's office, restaurant,
church, etc. and we just know that any noise, whether tears or laughter, will
bring sideways glances from any onlookers. So we start - "Be quiet!"
"Sit still!" "Stop that!" Excuse me while I switch into
three year-old mode . . . Why? We want our children to be well-behaved.
Why? Who wouldn't? Why? Well, I don't want to annoy people. Why? They
will look at me! And? That's
embarrassing!
I'll be honest. That
is my thought process. If it's not
yours, snaps for you, but I know that most parents are more worried about what
someone thinks of their parenting skills than why they're actually telling
their kids these things. I’m one of
them! I know it's mostly in public
settings, but it seems many parents do these types of things at home because
they're "training" them. Don't
get me wrong, I know the Bible says "train up a child", but what
brand of training does it specify? Oh,
that's right, it doesn't. Why do we
think that it means to be hard-nosed about everything no matter what? Let's think about how Jesus taught his
disciples. Did he chastise them with
"be quiet", "sit still" and "stop that"? Not that I recall. He patiently guided them with lessons that
were hard to forget - even though they sometimes did. Remember Peter cutting
off the soldier's ear? That was pretty big on the "acting out" scale.
Jesus didn't flip out on him like I've
flipped out on my kids for not cleaning their rooms. And Peter was a grown man, not a child!
I've met some pretty amazing kids in my life and have
thought to myself that I would really like to strive toward that, but in my
goal for amazing kids, I've forgotten that they are my children and aren't
projects. I'm going to be transparent; I was way too tough on AJ starting when
he was around two. It might have been that
we had a new baby and I felt pressure for him to be obedient, potty-trained,
self-entertained, and pleasant. That
pressure on him lasted for a while. Our
relationship suffered. He didn't like
me. I'm not being dramatic, he really
didn't. And that made me not like him. I remember in the last couple years when he
once again started to color pictures for me and randomly hug me. It was about the time Lincoln was born and it
had been a while since we had a baby in the house. I remember watching Lincoln and wondering why
I had expected so much from AJ. I
reevaluated how I wanted to teach my children.
I had to teach myself that some things just don't matter. Big things matter. Why don't I want them running away from me in the
store? Someone could take them. Why don't I want them to play in the store? They could break something and/or get hurt. And I explain to them why. I've let them watch a video of a little girl
getting away from a would-be abductor. Now,
they don't question me when I tell them to stay by me. They forget and wander a little too far, but
in general, they're good at staying by me. Does it matter that Lincoln is climbing on the
empty table, that Kami cuts her doll's hair, or that AJ is using every pillow
and blanket in the house to make a fort? Not so much. I mean, I try to explain to Kami that people
spend money on her toys and I make sure AJ cleans up his mess and I try to get
to Lincoln when he decides to stand on the table. We're not savages, but
seriously, they're only kids once. I
remember pretending the floor was lava and cutting Barbie's . . . who am I
kidding my OWN hair - with a razor.
Quick question: Have you fixed everything in your life that
you know isn't correct? Diet? Exercise? Relationships? Work? I
know I haven't. I have loads of things
to work on. Why do you think we have New
Year's resolutions? Because we aren't perfect
and we have things about ourselves we want to change, right? We aren't perfect and we've been around 2-3
times longer than our children have been, so why should we expect perfection
from our children? Yes, children are
sponges, clay, yada-yada, and we definitely have to be held responsible for
their character, but as a whole, they're really just learning about the world. They aren't pets that you're trying to keep
from snapping at the mailman or visitors. I really don't think "train them"
means to whack them on the nose with a newspaper when they don't perform the
way you want (figuratively, of course). I
believe "train them" means to patiently teach them to make the right
choices. And the little ones that have a
tough time making the right choices? Cut
them some slack. And for Heaven's sake,
stop trying to train your babies. They're
babies. You'll blink and they'll be 7
and you'll forget what they were like as a baby.
And you know what else? I believe we can sabotage them. It irritates me when kids are put in
situations such as a room full of fragile decorations and then they get spanked for
touching or breaking something. All that kid knows is that he's drawn to them
because they look pretty. And yes,
there's a point when something might need to be done, but instead of a
knock-down, drag-out brawl, why not relocate some decor until said child is a
little older? I stop wearing necklaces
when I have babies because all they want to do is pull on them. Do I get mad at them for wanting to touch it? Of course not, but I don't want to keep prying
tiny pudgy fingers off of them either, so I forgo the accessories for a while. Lincoln LOVES to get a wipe from the
container. But then he gets carried
away. Out comes 2, 3, 4 . . . and before
I know it, the whole wipe container is emptied onto the floor. Did you know that they'll go back into the
container? Granted, they won't be as
perfectly folded as they once were, but they'll still work. You do know what they’re used for, right? I don't think being perfectly folded is
essential to their purpose. Can I get
angry at him for that? I have in the
past. His doing that is very similar to
me with a bag of Dove chocolates - you can't quit with just one.
I don't want to sacrifice the love and respect of my
children on the altar of discipline and obedience. Especially since my kids are at home 24/7,
they need to enjoy being around me constantly. They need to learn now, at this age, that they
have my love and support no matter what. I'm mom first. I love them first. They need to know what grace and mercy look
like. If one of them does something
horribly wrong as a teenager, I need them to know that they can talk to me. Their faith in me starts now. After all, God loved me first. He corrects me because he loves me. I learned about His love for me before putting
my faith and trust in him. Why are we as
parents so often the opposite of what God depicts? The harder we are on our children and the
stricter we are as a parent doesn’t mean we are better Christians or have more
favor in the sight of God. Loosen up a
little, Warden. There will come a time for being firm and strict, and my guess
is it will probably be around puberty.
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